In the heart of God, He conceived an idea for a woman would be named Lisa. He created her quirky, optimistic, silly, introverted, and needing to feel in control. It is hard to be her, because people often misunderstand her. So for years, I’ve often  done what was expected of me in order for people to like me. And when I’ve made choices out of self-care and preserving my emotional health, people have been angry with me. Those words have stung.

But I’m growing as a person and finding the courage to just be me. It has resulted in me being really honest lately. And it’s quite scary. Usually I try to be someone other than who I really am because I’ve found that who I truly am is often not good enough for others. I have been rejected because of my personality.

It hurts. Still.

Recently I’ve found myself growing bolder in being “me” and being okay with the outcome. I am making decisions that may cause others to reject me, but I tell myself that if they truly love me, they will love me like I am. I am (learning to be) okay if who I am is not what someone wants in a friend.  I am finding the courage to be me.

Here are three instance of my courageous boldness and honesty lately:

1) I had a friend who was coming to town for the day. We were making plans and deciding how we would spend our day together. I know that I can “Go Go Go!” between 6 am and 2 pm. I can go hard for a solid eight hours. And then I CRASH. I need time to pull away, be alone, rest, nap, and recharge.

I’ve been misunderstood because I often arrange my life around this need for space and rest. But I also know that if I don’t rest, I will burn out.  I’m learning that to be healthy, I have to stick to my healthy boundaries.

Recently I had the courage to be me. I decided to be honest and trust the outcome to God’s hands. So I told my friend:

I hoped that she loved me enough that I could be me. And she did. It was an amazing day.

2. A few years ago I had a friend who dumped me because I failed to reply to a text message. And she also was critical of me because sometimes it was hard for us to find a date to have lunch.  She equated my “busyness” to not caring for people.

Ya’ll, I can’t help it. But I’m a planner. And I’ve learned to follow Michael Hyatt’s advice, and plan my ideal work week. And my idea work week is this:

Sunday: Church then home.
Monday: Home. Jammy Day.
Tuesday: Morning errands and lunch with a friend. Evening: coffee or church
Wednesday: Morning errands. Evening: Church
Thursday: Home or errands if needed
Friday: Coffee shop for writing.
Saturday: Home. Evening: Maybe date with Brian.

In my ideal work week, I have three days and one evening per week that I could meet with someone for coffee or lunch. And when those days are clogged up with doctor’s appointments and my children’s needs and other errands, it can get complicated to schedule with me.

My friend who dumped me interpreted my schedule as I was too busy to make time for her. But that wasn’t it at all. The truth is that I need a lot of space and time AT HOME to run my note card business, manage the finances, shopping, and health care needs of my husband and two children, and grow a ministry.

So sometimes it takes me a while to find a time to meet with someone. And I feel ashamed and guilty. And I hope that people will still like me, being this way.

I was recently trying to schedule lunch with a friend.  And I was scared that my friend would dump me because it took me a few days to figure out my calendar and when we could be together. I really did want to spend time with her. Just like I really wanted to spend time with the friend who dumped me.

But I’m finding the courage to be me.  I was honest with her, taking my time to figure things out, while hoping that she didn’t think I’m too busy for her.  Because I’m not.

It was all good.  She loved me anyway!

3) Lastly, I’m learning to just be honest. I have an old friend with whom I have reconnected with over Facebook. We have a shared interest in gardening and we are both vivacious, but in other ways, our personalities are extreme opposites. She is spontaneous and energetic while I am a planner and a homebody.

So recently, when I had an idea, she wanted to get together and have coffee to talk about it.

Now ya’ll, I have lots of friends that I have coffee and lunch with, but it takes a lot of energy. I’m a homebody and an introvert who needs lots of rest and space, so planning another evening out can leave me drained.

When this friend wanted to meet with me, it was during my busy spring season, so I wanted to suggest that doing a video chat versus getting together in person would be much easier for me.  So I chose to be honest. I had the courage to be me, and decided that it was okay if she didn’t like me. So I said:

Ya’ll, this honestly is really hard for me. But it is also very freeing to embrace my personality and to live within my boundaries.

My health, both physical and mental, is important.

When I took myself to God and asked Him,
“Why am I such an introverted planning homebody who needs lots of rest and space?”
He replied,
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

I cried.

God made me this way. God loves me this way. I hope that you do, too.

I’m finding the courage to be me.  Do you have the courage to be you?

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