There is something new in my life. In addition to seminary. In addition to traveling and speaking. In addition to the five pounds I’ve gained in 2019. I’ve applied to become a member of the Apostolic Network of Global Awakening. You know what? I didn’t know this, but officially, I am an “itinerant minster.” (I can never spell that word) What that means is that I travel and speak. As such, I’ve applied to join a network of other “itinerant ministers,” missionaries, and churches so that I can be trained, supported, and be connected to others doing what I am doing.
My pastor had to write a recommendation for me. He does a lot of typing on his iPhone, so he used it to type and email the short recommendation. I won’t share it all, but it included the word “excellent” three times. And his concluding sentence had the words “highly recommend.”
As his words of affirmation flowed over me, my head lowered to my desk and I wept tears of astonishment. This blessed man has seen me at my very worst. Brokenhearted. Defeated. Burned out. And he’s seen “my normal,” which is a middle-aged, peri-menopausal woman that has displayed a wide range of emotions. Think, “Hot Mess.” He has seen me as I have often seen me: weak and anxious.
And what shocked me is that though it all, something “excellent” happened to leak out. There was some good to be seen through it all.
This is the mystery:
Through the years, I have often struggled with my faith. And I have wondered, “How can God use me so powerfully to encourage women when I often feel so weak in my own faith? How can I stand on a stage and teach God’s word with power when I struggle sometimes to believe it myself?”
Do you wonder how God can use you to be a powerful corporate executive when you feel like a failure running your own home? Do you wonder how you can be an effective homeschool teacher when you were a high school drop out? Are you perplexed as to why you can encourage others daily when you struggle to even like yourself? Do you have the spiritual gift of giving but your own finances are difficult to manage? Are you somehow surviving as a single mom when all you really want to do is strangle your children?
Clearly, we are all blessed with strengths and beset with weaknesses.
We all have areas where we are gifted by God as well as areas where we struggle. It makes no sense to me how we can excel so much in one area of our life and feel like a total failure in another.
The areas where we excel are where we are gifted by God.
I am a gifted Bible teacher and speaker. I have had multiple mature Christians tell me this and I finally believe it. It is my calling. I can stand on a stage with confidence and teach God’s Word with clarity and authority and power.
But some mornings I struggle to believe that God will heal my body. I can battle with anxiety just to get out the door. And I worry if people will still like me even if I drive an Acura. What gives?
The Bible teaches that God gives us spiritual gifts but it also teaches that we have “thorns in our flesh,” or weaknesses. This is why we can excel and minister in one area of our lives when we are struggling to just survive in another. This explains how I can teach God’s word with great power when I struggle in my mind to believe it myself.
My speaking is a gift, while my unbelief, anxiety, and insecurity are weaknesses.
Unfortunately, or blessedly, we have both.
I want to encourage you that even though you are beset with weaknesses, you still have spiritual gifts.
Think about this:
You can pray and someone can be healed when you are sick yourself.
You can give and bless someone financially when you struggle to hold down a job.
You can encourage someone in their struggle even when you are on depression medication.
You can pray for someone to have courage even if you have panic attacks.
You can love and encourage a friend even if your marriage is in shambles.
You can be an effective evangelist even if you sometimes yell at your children.
You weakness and struggle do not disqualify you from using your spiritual gifts. Rather, your weakness allows you to walk in your spiritual gifts with power. God explained to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that His miraculous power is perfected in our weakness. That is why Paul was happy about his weaknesses, because he knew that weaknesses produced God’s miraculous power in His life.
God uses us powerfully despite our weaknesses.
We see the worst version of ourselves. I shake my head at the woman that I see. Perhaps what my pastor has seen is that I haven’t allowed my weakness to stop me or disqualify me. I have used the gifts God has given me in spite of my weaknesses. In spite of all of my struggles, something good has been seen in my life.
And it’s the same for you, my friend. Don’t be so hard on yourself. God will use you, right where you, even when you feel like a washed up hot mess. God has mercy, and He needs you. Because others need you, too.
PS I preached at my church on Sunday September 8th. If you’d like to see the video, find it here:
Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.
