Category Archives: Being real

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The day I judged Derrick because of his skin color

It seems like a lot of my life events happen at Harris Teeter. It’s probably because I have shopped there once a week for over twenty years. If you do the math, that’s around 50 times a year for 20 years – that means I’ve been in a Wilmington Harris Teeter about 1000 times. If each visit is for half and hour, I’ve spent 500 hours in Harris Teeter.

On this day, I had loaded up my groceries into the trunk and I climbed into the drivers seat. I wasn’t quite ready to crank the car as I wanted to check my text messages. I looked up from my phone and saw a black man crossing in front of my car. Without a single thought, I reached over and hit the automatic door locks to lock my door.  I’m ashamed to admit it, but I have an unconscious fear of black men.

fear of black men

Why did I have a fear of black men?  I wasn’t born with it.  It slowly developed during my childhood.   (more…)

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She looks amazing on the outside but she is crumbling on the inside

You see her sitting across from you in the coffee shop. You know, the professional woman who is typing away on her Mac. She is dressed head-to-toe in Ann Taylor and Michael Kors and her hair has looks like she just left the salon. You jealously gaze upon her, wishing that your life could be successful, too.

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What if you don’t have a Pinterest-perfect life?

As my body woke up from a night of slumber, so did the constant fear that rolled over and over in my stomach.  I had recently completed a three minute speaker promo video and I had shared it with my family and friends, including a lot of pastors and ministry leaders. I even shared it on Facebook.  I was unsure how people would receive it.  I felt vulnerable. Exposed.

I was terrified of being rejected.

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I like being an introverted overachiever with a touch of OCD

I was having such an amazing day until I got on Facebook.  I was enjoying a peaceful Friday morning working in my yard.  I did a heart check and realized that for the first time in a long time that my heart was healed, whole, and happy.  It felt great!  I had come through a tough week but I had pushed through and prevailed.

Earlier that morning I had posted on Facebook a 250 word “description” of myself that I had written for an upcoming conference.  And evidently someone took exception to how I had described myself.  There on Facebook, ready to burst my happy balloon, was an extensive comment about how I should not label myself and I should not this and I should not that and blah blah blah.

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I love Jesus but I cuss a little

It was a sacred moment for me.  I entered the stately brick Methodist church through wooden doors that were twice my size.  I journeyed down hallowed halls that were filled with a holy hush.   Then I found the room where the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group met.

This was my very first speaking engagement in my new journey as a professional Christian communicator.  I was prepared, a little nervous, and to bolster my self esteem I had on a lot of hot pink.  My presentation was about how God’s grace was a greater factor in how our children turned out than our own mommy failures.

I was telling the story about how an autism therapist gave me a list of strategies to teach social skills to my son.  She wanted me to take him to the park and initiate social interactions with strangers.  Even while she was talking, I knew that I was not going to do that.  It was too hard.  As I shared my thoughts with these young moms, my words didn’t come out right.

They came out in a way that nearly made me wet my pants.

I cussed.

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God, is there any hope for us to change?

Tears escape my eyes while worship takes place all around me in the church building.  No one notices me down here on the floor, but God does.  Down on my knees, face towards the floor, I cry out to the Lord.  “Oh God, change me,” I pray with passion.  “Change me so that You can use me. ”

When I peer into my sinful, human heart, I see so many things that I wish weren’t there.  Anger over the actions of people.  Frustration when things don’t go my way.  Disappointment when my plans were stymied.  And it gets worse.  Round and round in my brain swirl hateful words that I long to say.  I want to reject those who reject me and I want to hurt those who have hurt me.  I demand justice for wrongs that I have suffered.

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God is not scared of our weakness

It’s hard to admit a weakness.  No, hard is not the right word.  Perhaps excruciating.  Terrifying.  Embarrassing.  I have experienced all of these emotions as I have shared with the world my struggle to believe that God will heal me. I can stand on a stage and teach God’s Word with great power, but then I go home and struggle to believe God’s Word.  It’s a weakness.

As a speaker and leader, people view me as a Christian woman who has it all together.  It has been so freeing to let people in on my secret…that I am far from perfect.  I am far from living up to God’s standards.  I’m far from living according to His Word.  I’m far from measuring up to the expectations of most of the people in my church.

weakness

But really, when are honest enough to admit it, we are all broken.  None of us measure up.

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Vulnerability is a good weight loss plan

Vulnerability is a good weight loss plan.  Facing my impending doom, I couldn’t eat lunch or dinner.   My stomach was in knots from all of the butterflies fluttering around in there.  God had asked me to do something HARD, and I dreaded it all day long, sunup to sundown.  Like a lamb lead to the slaughter, I went to teach my Philippians Bible study.

vulnerability (more…)

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Do you, like me, struggle to believe God?

It is time to go to sleep.  My head is on the pillow, my eyes are closed, but the tears are flowing.  Two hours ago I taught an amazing Bible study.  People were encouraged.  People were challenged. People met God.  I should be filled with joy but instead my soul is tossing and turning with guilt and shame.  I taught tonight about being like Jesus, but in the quiet of my home, I feel as far from it as possible.  Everyone around me has faith to believe that God will heal my chronic migraines, but I’m sorry, I’m just not convinced.  I struggle to believe.

believe

I close my eyes tight and ask God, “What is wrong with me?  How can I teach your Word with great power and anointing, but I can’t believe you will do the simplest of things for me?  People think that I’m this great woman of God, but really I’m not.  I don’t have a steadfast faith that is able to weather the storms.  I am not able to ask that you will heal me, believing that you will, because really, I’m not sure (Mark 11:34).  I know that You can heal me, but I’m not certain that You will.  (more…)

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Digging deep for a courageous heart

The stage lights are up and the stage sits empty, waiting for her to come up.  She is praying fervently in her seat that it will go well.  She looks to her husband and friend and whispers, “Pray for me.”  It’s almost time.  She studies her notes one last time and prays for God to give her the words to say.  And then it is time. The pastor of the church calls her up.  Her heart flutters as she hears his words:

“Lisa, come on up and make the announcements.”

courageous (more…)

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