As the final days of 2018 draw near, it’s a good time to reflect on the days that have gone by. How do you evaluate a year? How do you determine if it was a good year or a bad one? I’m still imperfect, I’m still weak, and I am still a sin-prone human. But I’m not the same person I was 365 days ago. The God of amazing breakthroughs has changed me in tangible ways this year.
I hung up the phone, a huge weight hanging around my neck. A close friend expected me to be somewhere at a certain time for a gathering, and I was going to be very late. “Well don’t you care about being with me?” she asked. The underlying accusation that I didn’t care about being with her was tangible in the air. “Yes, I do care, and that is why I will be there with you at 4 pm.” As we hung up the phone, my happy-go-lucky spirit slowly sank into a deep funk.
In the never-ending battle of trying to please others, once again, I was a disappointment.
I sat there crying in a large parking lot. Cars buzzed around me and in my embarrassment I prayed that they would not park beside me and see my tears. My soul was in great anguish and I was praying fervently, “God, what should I do now?” The answer could make or break a friendship.
I was in a text message battle with one of my pastors.
The sea of faces flashed before me. Old faces, young faces. Black faces, white faces, Hispanic, and Asian faces. Male and female. Adults and teens. Some I knew well, some I didn’t know at all. Some had been faithful friends. Some had deserted me. And some had turned on me and stabbed me in the back.
They were all potential Facebook “Friends.”
The last few months of my life have been filled with some emotional drama. Conflict that I have had with trusted friends led to my heart being broken. In my brokenness, I wanted to give up. Everything. At times, even my life. Every day I would hound heaven with questions, trying to understand why I was so broken emotionally. I sought the Lord for His help and deliverance from this place of unrelenting sadness.
