Category Archives: Insecurity

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Sometimes I hide, but people weren’t made to hide

I never wanted to be on Facebook.  In order to be a professional speaker, I was told, I HAD to have a Facebook account and  begin networking with others.  The memory is forever seared in my brain of when a friend came over to help me set up my Facebook account.  I was terrified.

Why was it so hard for me? There were people out there who had hurt me. And I didn’t want to be hurt again.

I am on Facebook because it’s a way that I can reach and encourage others, and let people know about my writing and speaking ministry. But honestly, if I had my druthers, I would hide out at home, like a turtle, never sticking my head out. Alone. And safe.

sometimes I hide

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The real truth about my marriage

I have secrets. Lots of them. I have thoughts and ideas and behaviors that I don’t share with anyone. Not even my best friend or my husband. I keep them to myself because I am afraid if I tell people the truth about me, they might not like me.

Women are amazing secret keepers. We don’t tell anyone about our crumbling marriages. We stay silent about the fears that keep us awake at night. We are ashamed of our immense debt and poor financial decisions. We aren’t honest about our health and mental battles.

Even though I am super-transparent and vulnerable on this blog, there are still things that I’ve kept to myself because I have thought that if you knew these things about me, you wouldn’t like me.   And deep inside, I really want people to like me.  Even at 47 years old.  My fear of rejection keeps my mouth locked up tight.

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The life-changing day my daughter left for college

My daughter, Hannah, is in graduate school at East Carolina University.  When we took her to college as a freshman in 2016, I wrote two blog posts, one that I posted, and one that was too personal for us to publish.  Finally, we were both ready for me to truly share my heart.  This is what it was like for me on the day that I had to let my daughter go.  

I woke up early, the sound of the noisy hotel room air conditioner stirring me to wakefulness. I hadn’t been awake for long before the realization of “the day” hit my consciousness. With a groan, I felt the heaviness settle once again upon my soul. It was the day that a child often longs for and a mother dreads and it comes in a variety of ways.

It was the day to let my daughter go.

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I could never be as good as her

I sat with a group of beautiful women in the historic Hilltop House Restaurant in Fayetteville, NC. I was a visitor at the “Fayetteville Women’s Connection,” an outreach of Stonecroft Ministries. For the last nine months, I have been preparing to become a speaker for Stonecroft Ministries. During this time, I have written and rewritten my testimony – my story of how I came to know Jesus – to share with Stonecroft groups in the future.

The time we had all been waiting for arrived. The speaker stepped up to the podium. I was excited to hear her speak and to learn more about what a Stonecroft meeting was like. I began the meeting sitting on the edge of my seat, eager to learn.

She began her talk by engaging the audience by asking them their favorite Disney movies. Pretty soon she had us saying, when cued, “Once upon a time…” She smiled and nodded as she drew us in with her story. She was a dynamic speaker who had her thirty minute presentation completely memorized.

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Insecurity Lurks Beneath My Trendy J. Crew Outfit

Panty hose – check.
Cocktail dress – check.
Statement necklace – check.
Cute heels – check.

It was the time of year for holiday Christmas parties and we were invited to one with my husband’s coworkers.  I was all set to look festive and fun in my new dress but on the inside I was a complete wreck.

Insecurity Lurks Beneath My Trendy J. Crew Outfit

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God humbled me, and it was quite embarrassing

Over a dozen years ago a praise and worship leader named Paul Wilbur came to Wilmington.  He is a talented musician who primarily plays a messianic worship style of music which is conducive to Jewish dancing.  Many dancers from churches in Wilmington came together to choreograph Jewish dances for these songs, such as “The Days of Elijah.”  My four year old daughter Hannah and I were among them.

humble

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I’m an insecure overachiever with a touch of OCD

Everyone who knows me well knows that I have a touch of OCD.  My earrings and Solo cups are all arranged by ROYGBIV.   There is not a crooked picture in my house….I’m sure of it, because I would be the first to notice and have to fix it.  My grass is largely weed-free because in my mind, grass and weeds should not co-exist.

If you have ever seen the TV show Monk about the obsessive-compulsive detective then you should know me well.  I am Adrian Monk.

insecure

 

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Can someone else do your job better than you?

I stood with my eyes open during praise and worship and watched everything going on around me.  I should have been focused on God and singing with joy, but my mind was distracted by the women around me.  They were hugging on each other, prophesying over each other, and down on the floor in tears together.  And I was standing there, alone, with really no desire to be doing any of those things at that moment.

Which is a problem since I am the Ladies Ministry Leader at my church.

vulnerability

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We are in a lifelong battle with “not good enough”

Earlier this year something happened that rocked my world.  It caught me off guard and totally shook my confidence.  It made me confused, it challenged my identity, and it left me feeling insecure.  It made me furious and it also made me cry.  Buckets.  And, although I hate to admit it, at one point I was even despairing of my life.  With one click a tidal wave of emotional drama was unleashed in my life:

I was unFriended on Facebook.

not good enough

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When Your “Love Tank” has a hole in it

It seems that the older I get the more I dress like my mother: bright colors, flashy jewelry, matching shoes.   She’s a fashionable older woman who shops at Steinmart and Chico’s…you know the type!  I haven’t yet started buying animal prints, but anything can happen!  Add some “big hair” and lip gloss and I can be quite the sight!  I know that we should not put so much stock in our outward appearance, but sometimes dressing up can help us to feel better.  Here is me with some lip gloss:

love tank

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Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.