Category Archives: Suicide

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I want to live more than I want to be in heaven

This story begins, like many of my blog posts, with me worshiping on my knees. My early morning prayer on that Sunday morning was that I would encounter God during our church service, so I was intently worshiping and praying.  I was not thinking about where I would eat lunch!  I did not have any particular prayer requests or pressing needs, so I focused my mind and simply praised God.

And then, out of nowhere, a thought bubbled up in my spirit. It caught me by surprise. From deep within my spirit, this desire voiced itself:

“I want to live.”

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Do you ever pray “Jesus, take me now?”

“Jesus, take me now” I uttered as I slowly pulled the covers up and over my head.  There in the darkness, in the despair of my soul, I told my Savior that I was ready to be with Him.  I was ready to leave this earth and be translated into heavenly glory.  I selfishly didn’t care about anything else at the moment – my family, my calling, my responsibilities.   I only cared about escaping this present world and to immediately be in the perfection of the next.  “Oh God, take me to heaven” was my hopeless cry.

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Four truths for when you’ve lost your hope and want to die

“I can’t live with this pain for the rest of my life,” I thought as I lay in the bed. I can do a lot of hard things, but live with this level of constant, chronic pain was not something that I believed that I could do.  I begged God to heal me of it.  I lambasted Him for not healing me of it.  I begged Jesus to take me now.  And then I began to consider how to take my situation into my own hands.  A few days later, I left a desperate message with my neurologist, “I’m in so much pain that all I can do is think of how to kill myself.”

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Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.