Hi friends, it’s been almost a year since I’ve posted, and I’ve missed you.  Seminary is keeping me busy and there’s not been much time to write.  But, since I have a lot of new subscribers, I wanted to send something out to welcome them!   

It had been a horrible week. I was finishing up one of my seminary classes that had required mounds and mounds of work. My anxiety level was through the roof. Sadly, just to function like a normal adult, I had to take a lot of medication. Otherwise, my heart would just race and race, which feels horrible. The medication calmed my heart so that I could feel normal and function like I used to.

During this week of overwhelming schoolwork, I fought anxiety tooth and nail. I battled it during breakfast. I prayed while I took a walk. I practiced mindful meditation in the bed. But still, anxiety had kicked my butt and I was exhausted. I was weary of the daily, even hourly, fight to live like God created my body to function.

Then I got an unexpected punch in the gut.

I was listening to a Christian message about the Holy Spirit.  I speak and I teach and I preach, so this is a normal thing for me to do.  I was enjoying it and learning a lot. Then, the speaker said that anxiety, fear, and panic were “Lordship issues.” They were areas of unbelief where people did not have enough faith.  I was crushed. Big fat tears welled up in my eyes. I sobbed for the next thirty minutes, and took to my bed for the afternoon.

You see, more than anything, I want to please Jesus. I want to make Him happy. I want to follow His commands, because the Bible says that’s what we have to do to love Jesus. And I live to love Jesus with my whole heart. That is my purpose.  The description of anxiety was unbelief equates it to sin.

I had valiantly fought anxiety all week. To hear that my anxiety meant that I was not trusting Jesus and that I had not made Him Lord was like a knife to my heart. Besides the deep hurt, these words made me want to quit fighting. To end the battle. To end my life.

In that moment, being with Jesus seemed like a better option than fighting with anxiety.

More often than not, the Christian church, as a whole, does not understand anxiety and panic disorders.  This breaks my heart because the sick, including those with mental illness, should find help, not condemnation, in the church. Jesus’ mission was to the marginalized of society, to the broken and hurting. I believe that He has compassion on those who struggle with mental illness.

For many struggling with mental illness, the church and fellow Christians say that if you will just trust Jesus more, try harder, and believe more, then your mental illness will just go away.  

While the speaker’s words crushed me, they also provoked me to action. I was only taking half of my prescribed dose of Zoloft (a depression medication that is used as a preventative for anxiety), so I went back up to the full dose.

And the next day I made an appointment with a therapist.  After a couple of years of fighting anxiety by myself, I decided to enlist the help of a Christian counselor. Therapists understand that anxiety and panic are mental illnesses. They are brain disorders, and they can be caused by health problems such as thyroid disorders. Therapists can teach you how to manage anxiety, and even even conquer it.

I was no longer fighting anxiety alone.

It’s been about almost two years since that crushing day when I felt like my struggle with a mental illness was just sin.  I can look back now, and be thankful, because that day caused me to reach up for help.  I’m doing so much better than I was then.  I’m taking much less medication, and I’m no longer seeing a therapist. I’ve graduated!  Far more often than not, I feel normal.

And hopefully the Christian church, of whom I am a part, is learning and growing in respect to mental illness as well.

If you have felt like the Christian church has not understood you and your mental struggle, I’m sorry.  As I Christian leader, I apologize.  I know that it’s hard to be told to “try harder” in order to get better.  But perhaps it’s time for you, like me, to seek out the help of a trained professional, whether its your medical doctor or a therapist or counselor or psychiatrist.  I pray that you, like me, will begin the journey to recovery.

Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.