Dear reader: This blog post has been written and ready to post for two years. Over seven hundred days. But I have not posted it. Why? I was afraid to. Recently, many of my friends have posted openly about their regret in having abortions, and it has given me courage to share my own regret in paying for one.
I sat around a table of adults who were there to interview me. At twenty-one years old, I had butterflies in my tummy and my hands were clammy with nervousness. I had applied to be a summer camp counselor at Methodist camp that served the poor and elderly in rural North Carolina. The only question that I remember from that day was this:
“Which person in the Bible do you most respect?”
My answer was Paul, but not for the reasons that you might expect. It wasn’t because he had served Jesus sacrificially or because he had written a large part of the New Testament. It was because he made this honest statement about himself in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, and I am the worst of them all.”
I most admired this famous Bible character because he confessed that he was the worst sinner of all. Guilt-ridden and ashamed, I felt the same way. I could most identify with Paul, not in his sacrificial service or inspiring example, but in his sin. At that point in time, I had only known Jesus as my savior for about six months. I was a baby Christian and I had a very vivid memory of my sin.
What sin could Paul have been referring to? Before Paul’s name was changed in a supernatural Damascus road experience, he was known by his Hebrew name, Saul. He was a leading, well-educated Pharisee. The first mention of young Saul in the Bible was when he was present at the stoning of Stephen in Acts 7. In Acts 9 we hear of Saul “breathing threats and murder against the disciples.” We see him dragging believers, both men and women, off to prison.
Saul was a zealous, hate-filled man before he came to know Jesus. He breathed threats of murder and he “heartily agreed” to the stoning of Stephen. So this man that I deeply love and admire killed someone. He may not have physically thrown the stones but he condoned those who did.
I told those interviewers that I most respected Paul, who prior to his conversion, had played a part in taking a life. I had done the same. No, I had never physically killed someone but like Saul, I condoned it. I heartily agreed with it. I even helped.
I helped pay for a friend’s abortion. My friend became pregnant at a time when she was a teenager and she was not ready to have a baby. She didn’t have the funds to pay for the abortion, but I did. I helped to terminate her pregnancy. I assisted in taking the life of a baby. And that was just the beginning of my mistakes.
“Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, and I am the worst of them all.” 1 Timothy 1:15
So how could I, in light of my actions, sit at that table and apply for a job at a Christian camp? Even now, thinking back to that moment so many years ago, I don’t have a reasonable answer for you, because the answer can only be described as supernatural.
When I sat at that table, I was no longer a sinner or a baby-killer. My sins, which were many, had been forgiven. When I accepted God’s gift of salvation, the old person that I had been was done away with and I became a new creation. God transformed me from a talented sinner to a forgiven, Holy Spirit-filled disciple.
That was thirty years ago. During that time I have taught numerous Bible studies, I have mentored young women, and I have been a leader in the church. But I still feel sad that I helped to end the life of that little baby. What kind of adult would that child be today? Would they have children of their own?
Like me, I bet that Paul regretted his part in the stoning of Stephen for the rest of his life. But my failures, just like Paul’s, were forgiven when I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life. And just like Paul’s, my life was transformed.
Today, you may feel like Paul, and me, that you are the worst of sinners. You may even regret having an abortion or encouraging someone to terminate a pregnancy. When you look at Paul’s life, and mine, be encouraged that God can take the worst of sinners and transform them into servants that love Him with their whole hearts. God is in the business of supernaturally transforming lives. Just look at Paul. Just look at me.
If your sin feels heavy today I want to encourage you that when Jesus becomes your Lord, your sin is forgiven. Big sins, small sins, all sins are forgiven and covered in the blood of Jesus. Receive His forgiveness today and allow Him to use you – perhaps the greatest of sinners – to change the world.
God did it for Paul. He did it for me. He can do it for you.
If you have questions or would like to know more about Jesus, I would love to help! Email me at Lisa@LisaMorganMoore.com.
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