This story begins, like many of my blog posts, with me worshiping on my knees. My early morning prayer on that Sunday morning was that I would encounter God during our church service, so I was intently worshiping and praying. I was not thinking about where I would eat lunch! I did not have any particular prayer requests or pressing needs, so I focused my mind and simply praised God.
And then, out of nowhere, a thought bubbled up in my spirit. It caught me by surprise. From deep within my spirit, this desire voiced itself:
“I want to live.”
Let me be clear: I have not been suicidal. I have not thought about taking my life. But for the past two years or so, I have wanted to be with Jesus more than I have wanted to be alive on earth.
I have prayed, “Jesus, take me now.”
I have prayed, as my head hit my pillow at night, “Thank you, God, that I am one day closer to seeing you face to face.” I have longed for my heavenly home. I have prayed the prayer we find in Revelation 22:20, “Even so, come, Lord Jesus.”
I have often pondered, if I were diagnosed with a terminal illness, would I choose to treat it or allow it to be the ticket that would take me straight to Jesus?
I know it seems selfish that I would choose heaven over being on earth with my family and friends. But it is what it is. Es lo que es.
I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Jesus said that in this world you will have trouble, and we all have trouble. And we often want to escape our trouble. We don’t want to walk through grief, or anxiety, or depression, or the failure of our marriage. We are sick and have chronic pain. We don’t want to face the struggles in our families and our finances. We are tired of the evil that is consuming our world.
Who wouldn’t want to be with Jesus instead of the middle of this mess?
I am reminded of the Apostle Paul…in Philippians 1:21-25 we see him wrestle with the decision to live or to die. Paul admits that this is a hard decision for him, because he has “the desire to depart and be with Christ; for that is very much better.”
Why should we want to live, besides the obvious reasons of being there for our family and friends?
We should want to live because it allows us to be the humble servants of Jesus on the earth.
Jesus needs people to be his hands and feet to a lost and dying world. But it’s hard work. It ain’t easy to be a Christian. It’s not fun, sometimes, to have to speak the truth in love. And denying ourselves and taking up our cross and following Jesus ain’t for sissies.
We have a choice. We can live in escapism, whether it’s wanting to be with Jesus, or food or gambling or shopping or entertainment, or we can surrender our lives to God.
We can say to Him, “I want to live. Here I am. Send me.”
I don’t know if you’ve even been where I was, where I wanted to be in heaven with Jesus far more than I wanted to be alive on the earth. But if so, I want to encourage you in two ways:
1) God will heal the wounds in your heart that have caused you to long for being in heaven, a place of no more tears.
It takes time, but one day you will have a new thought, and it will be “I want to live.”
2) You have a choice. You can choose to lay your life down in serving Jesus, or you can choose to just hold tight till Jesus comes.
“Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. 17 Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.” Ephesians 5:16-17 NLT
As for me, I want to live. I’m repeating it to myself, I want to live.
God, I want to serve You. I want to give hope and grace to broken women. I want to re-present Jesus to everyone around me. I’m willing to take the risks in order to love people and love my Jesus. I want to live.
Yes, indeed. I want to live.
Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.
