This is a guest post by my friend and fellow speaker and blogger Christina Custodio. When she first told me the story of her son’s brain hemorrhage, surgery, survival, and recovery journey, all I could say was, “Wow.” Then, when I saw her share her own personal journey on her blog, again, all I could say was, “Wow.” And I wanted you to hear her story, too. So please welcome Christina as she guest post’s on CelebratingWeakness.com…
Recently, I joined a club I never had any desire to be a member of. It’s not like I ever looked down on people who were already members…. It’s just that I didn’t think I was like them….
About two and a half years ago, my son almost died. On September 8, 2015, I got a call from one of the trainers at the middle school during football practice telling me that Isaiah got a bad headache and needed to be picked up. When I got there he was sick and incoherent. I took him to the emergency room where we eventually found out that he had had intracranial hemorrhaging (Later to be diagnosed as a ruptured arterio vascular malformation or AVM).
That night he underwent emergency brain surgery, and our lives have never been the same. The fear I experienced that night was beyond anything I had ever faced before. I had always had a feeling since Isaiah was a baby that I would lose him at a young age. So, I just knew this was it. This was the night God would take him from me. At one point, I went into the bathroom and sat down, tears streaming down my face, and trembling with fear. All I could think to say to God was, “Change your mind. Change your mind. Change your mind. Please change your mind.”
I lived in the hospital with Isaiah for 44 days. As my son went through a type of rebirth that began with learning how to walk and talk again, I also had a rebirth of kinds.
I am not same, and never will be. Since then, I have experienced indescribable joy sprinkled with moments of sorrow, but my son is alive. He’s alive in a way I could never imagine.
We have had, and continue to have challenges, but I mean . .. I’m happy. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. Happy. Right?
Wrong.
When I finally sat back and really considered what I couldn’t ignore (deny) was going on inside of me, I realized that I wasn’t happy. Sure, I had the “joy joy joy joy down in my heart,” but it was DEEP down. I could usually find it, but it was not bubbling up to the surface of each day as it had before. Some days I felt like I had to put my deep sea diving gear on to find it.
For months, I didn’t “feel good.” I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I just [physically] felt bad. I was tired all the time, I felt nauseous sometimes for no reason. I just felt like something was wrong.
“Oh my gosh. It’s cancer!” I have thought to myself. . . “I’ve got the cancer.”
I’m chuckling to myself as I type that, not because it’s funny, but because I know you’ve thought the same thing before. I know I’m not alone in this!
Of course, I was too afraid to go to the doctor and find out.
Finally, there came about a 3 week period when I was just sad. I had a hard time smiling. I wasn’t motivated to do ANYTHING. I just wasn’t “right.” I was on the verge of tears every moment.
“Oh,” I said out loud to myself. “I’m depressed.”
Not only was I depressed. I had anxiety too! I found myself waking up some mornings, already in freak out mode, heart pounding, mind racing. This was not me. I’m the one who holds tightly onto Philippians 4:6-8. I’m the one who shouts “JOY!” from the mountaintops. How could I possibly have anxiety, or depression for that matter!
As I reflected on the last two years of my life, and what brought me to this unrecognizable state of being, I realized how much I have been through, and how I have done my best to keep a positive perspective, count my blessings, and trust in God. I have been able to do all of those things, but at the same time, I failed to recognize the magnitude of stress all of it put on my body, and how that stress began to break down my system.
When I finally came to terms with where I was emotionally, I called and made an appointment with the doctor.
I explained to her all that had gone on in the last couple of years, and how I had been feeling. I told her of the challenges and struggles that Isaiah has, and how it has affected me.
I recalled the extreme stress I felt just a few months ago when my mother was hospitalized with a serious illness, and the panic attack I had when I pulled up to the same emergency room I took Isaiah to, two years before that. I didn’t tell her how there are times when my mind goes back to that evening of September 8th, and pictures a different outcome.
The feeling of terror that overcomes me when I think about what would have happened if I had just driven home and put Isaiah in bed. The flashback to the bed he laid on unresponsive and dying. My apprehension over Isaiah’s future, and whether or not he will feel happy and accomplished… My concern over his relationships, as I wonder even now, if any of them are real and fulfilling. I feel all of that in a matter of seconds. Then, just as fast as my angst comes, my God speaks to me.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-8
I know this, so why is my heart about to beat out of my chest?
Why couldn’t I overcome the sadness, the anxiety, the pain? Was it a crisis of faith? Was I not a good Christian? No, it was none of those things. I simply failed to recognize the toll it had all taken on my body. When a person is in a state of stress, there are different hormones that are released. When that becomes a constant state of stress, that person can become depleted and their system unable to cope.
I was still a faithful child of God. The thing is, that our world is not as God intended it to be. He did not create this world with sickness, disease, death, anxiety, or depression. He did not intend for a 13 year-old boy to have an explosion in his brain. He has obviously allowed those things, but they were not in his original plan for creation. When sin entered into picture, it came along with those things. So here we are trying to navigate through this messy, messy place.
As I wrapped up the conversation with my doctor, she handed me my prescription “membership card.” I had joined the millions of women on anti-anxiety/depression meds. I told her, “I don’t really want this, but I understand that I need to get back to being me again. I’ll take it.” I’ll be honest . . . part of me felt shame.
A small voice told me that I was weak. But then as I thought about so many of my “sisters” who are in this club, I realized how many strong, brilliant, talented, AMAZING women are in this new club of mine. I am not weak. I am strong in Christ, and He, along with a very helpful medication, is bringing me back to the person He intended me to be. The one that is anxious for nothing.
I know that God has a plan for Isaiah. It is not the plan I had a vision of when he was born, but it’s a perfect plan. Isaiah seems to know that so much better than I do, and for that, I am so unbelievably thankful. Isaiah doesn’t just have the joy down in his heart . . . It radiates from every pore in his body.
You know how God is love? Well, Isaiah is JOY . . . and I am blessed.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
Christina Custodio is a 44-year-old wife, mother, teacher, photographer, and whatever the Lord asks her to be from day-to-day. She holds a degree in Psychology, and uses it in many different ways throughout her life. She is also an inspirational speaker who inspires her audience to experience lives of joy, faith, and hope in the midst of crisis. She has recently started writing her first book in which will share the trials and victories she experienced as she lived in a hospital with her son for 44 days.
Connect with Christina at her website, http://www.christinacustodio.com/,
or her “Pray for Isaiah” Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/coollikeisaiah/
Watch a video about Isaiah by the 700 Club here
