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Unexpected tears during a graveside chat

I stood by my friend’s grave on a warm winter day. I could hear the birds twittering in the trees and the faint roar of the cars from the nearby road. She has been gone for ten years and I visit annually to bring fresh flowers and to update her on the children that she did not see grow up. I shared with her how that little six year old girl is now a 16 year old woman with a boyfriend.   I told with her that the bright eight year old boy with autism was now 18. And as I shared with her the amazing news he was now driving and that he attends college on a scholarship, it was as if I untapped a well of emotion.  Unexpected tears burst forth.  I sobbed at her graveside as I shared how God had done the miraculous with that sweet autistic boy.

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Against all hope, we look forward, and choose to believe.

January means different things to different people.  For some, it means a fresh start on a journey to a healthier you.  For others, it means time to clean and organize the house.  To many, it means football and the anticipation of the Super Bowl.  To retailers, it means Valentine’s Day and garden art.

January is the month when the retailers put away their Christimas merchandise and  line their shelves with fresh offerings of garden art.  Painted bird houses, metal bird baths, concrete statues.  Colorful plaques and rustic stakes and decorative trellises.  Here I come, Hobby Lobby!  I love filling my cottage garden with whimsical and eccentric garden art.  For me, this is the most wonderful time of the year.

believe                          Me, with garden art, in Hobby Lobby

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Can you say, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain?”

I’ve been a follower of Jesus for almost 25 years.  From the early days of my salvation, I have loved God’s word.  One of the passages that has always alluded me is Philippians 1:21: “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”

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For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose.  But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better;  yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.  Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith,  so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again.  Philippians 1:21-26 NASB

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Do you, like me, struggle to believe God?

It is time to go to sleep.  My head is on the pillow, my eyes are closed, but the tears are flowing.  Two hours ago I taught an amazing Bible study.  People were encouraged.  People were challenged. People met God.  I should be filled with joy but instead my soul is tossing and turning with guilt and shame.  I taught tonight about being like Jesus, but in the quiet of my home, I feel as far from it as possible.  Everyone around me has faith to believe that God will heal my chronic migraines, but I’m sorry, I’m just not convinced.  I struggle to believe.

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I close my eyes tight and ask God, “What is wrong with me?  How can I teach your Word with great power and anointing, but I can’t believe you will do the simplest of things for me?  People think that I’m this great woman of God, but really I’m not.  I don’t have a steadfast faith that is able to weather the storms.  I am not able to ask that you will heal me, believing that you will, because really, I’m not sure (Mark 11:34).  I know that You can heal me, but I’m not certain that You will.  (more…)

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Jesus would rather have you wavering on the water than staying in the boat

“In Jesus Name, Amen.”  I came down from the stage, took off the headset microphone, and breathed a sigh of relief.  I had just completed teaching the first week of an 8 week Bible study.  I had expected to teach to a crowd of around 40 people,and around 80 showed up.  The teaching had gone SO WELL and the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. I should be on cloud 9, right?  Instead, I was an emotional mess.

That night, I could not sleep. I could see the room full of people.  I heard the words I had spoken over and over.  My insecure self, that Lisa that I have been trying to banish for 44 years, questioned everything that I said and did and made note of all of my mistakes.  Why did I say THAT?  What are people thinking about me?  And what was I thinking, agreeing to teach an 8 week Bible study?  Clearly I was NOT thinking.  My stomach was a ball of nerves as I considered being on that stage again, seven more times, in front of all of those people.

waveringAAAAHHHH! What was I thinking?

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When our advantages are in fact our disadvantages

Men and women milled about at my husband’s corporate dinner party. My husband, who is a nuclear engineer, was busy talking in technical jargon with his coworkers. I was playing the role of being the dutiful housewife and standing by his side.  “What do you do, Lisa?” his friends occasionally asked to which I replied, “I’m a stay-at-home mother.”   I have been a stay-at-home mother and a housewife for eighteen years, and I have loved it.  But standing there in the midst of engineers and corporate executives, I felt less-than.  What I really wanted to shout to them was, “I’M A NUCLEAR ENGINEER, TOO!!”IMG_415630percent

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I almost made it through Harris Teeter without crying

I got out of the car, smiling and hopeful.  I faced the looming giant in front of me and determined that today I would not cry in that vast place.   I would not cry in front of John the produce manager.   I would not longingly look at the floor in the peanut butter aisle and want to curl up there in the fetal position.  I would not wish that the pharmacist was a therapist.  I would not end up crying with the cashier in the midst of checking out.  I faced the giant courageously like David faced Goliath.  I was determined that today I would not cry in Harris Teeter.

Harris_Teeter_Central_Avenue_CharlottePhoto Credit: Wikipedia

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Is there any help for us of little faith?

I’m laying on a bed in the ER.  My feet are freezing cold, that’s for sure. An angel dressed in scrubs just brought me a warm blanket and I’m feeling it’s comfort.  My husband is sitting quietly on a bench reading on his iPad, and my teenage children have been left at home, alone.  I’m texting all of my praying friends and distracting myself from the seriousness in the room with Facebook.

Blogging in hospital
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Do you possess a “sweet reasonableness?”

The meeting started in one hour, and my volunteers were late.  I had asked them to be on time.  I had strongly encouraged them to be on time. I had even reminded them to be on time.  And now my phone was blowing up with text messages explaining to me why they were late.  One was stuck in Walmart.  Another was in bad traffic coming across town.  Family drama kept one from arriving on time.  My blood pressure was ratcheting up along with my frustration.

These volunteers were late to a large event that I had coordinated.  I had envisioned that the morning would go one way, but with volunteers dropping like flies, it turned out another way. Since they were late, I ended up taking care of their responsibilities instead of fulfilling my own.  All of my perfectly crafted plans for a smooth event flew out the window and I was not happy.  I was smiling on the outside, but I was angry on the inside.

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Jesus came for the weak and heavy-laden

Hey, you!  You, hiding under the covers!  Yes, you!  You have pulled the covers up over your head, begging Jesus to take you home.  You are pleading with Jesus to just put an end to your misery.   Sadly, you may wondering if there was a way that YOU could just put an end to your misery.  You are at the end of your rope, and there is just nothing left to hold on to.

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