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What can you do when you can’t pray?

I sat in the CVS Pharmacy parking lot.  Here I was, again.  This time I was not picking up a medication for me for but one of my children.  My stomach churned.  I wanted to be at home, curled up under my electric blanket, safe from heavy cares and concerns.  But my child was sick. Not with a cold, or pink eye, or an ear infection, but with a chronic disease.  It was no longer in remission but it had reared its ugly head again.

When faced with the disturbing symptoms, I did not fall to my knees in prayer.  I watched Netflix.  Every time I tried to pray, I was unsuccessful.  I could not think about it.  Facing reality was too painful.  Thinking of the disease wracking my child’s body broke my heart.  Over and over and over.  Every time I would think about it, I was crushed.

So I watched Netflix.  And read romance novels. And went shopping.  Because my fantasy world did not hurt as much as reality.

weakness, pray

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How to be a trustworthy and loyal friend

“If you tell Lisa something, are you sure that she will not tell others?” the pastor asked his wife.  They were dealing with a tricky church situation that could turn into a huge mess.  Gossip needed to be minimized so that the situation could be dealt with privately.  “Oh yes, Lisa is a vault.”   This pastor’s wife trusted me with her secrets.  I was her friend.  She knew that I would pray for her and not gossip about her.

I can’t imagine what it is like to be a pastor’s wife.  Your husband has a job in full-time ministry and is putting in more than a 40 hour workweek.  Yet somehow the wife must also meet the many expectations of the church. She should lead the ladies ministry, graciously entertain church members at home, never show anger or weakness, and serve tirelessly.  I’ve heard that is a lonely position, as the wife has few trusted friends in whom to confide when she is struggling.

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How to rest when your life feels out of control

I live my life by a spreadsheet that tells me what to do each day. It tells me my chores, the phone calls I need to make, what time I need to leave to make it to the doctors office on time, what errands to run, what friends I need to text, and when to rest. Every night I make my schedule for the following day, and the next day I just follow the plan.

My life has been much the same way. I graduated from high school and went off to college. Then I graduated from college and got a job. Next I got engaged, then married and had 2.0 children. I became a stay at home mom and homeschooled them. Then they went to college and left me…with an empty nest.

And with absolutely no plan for what to do next.

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She looks amazing on the outside but she is crumbling on the inside

You see her sitting across from you in the coffee shop. You know, the professional woman who is typing away on her Mac. She is dressed head-to-toe in Ann Taylor and Michael Kors and her hair has looks like she just left the salon. You jealously gaze upon her, wishing that your life could be successful, too.

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Jesus, please don’t leave me standing at the altar

I work out most of my life’s problems when I take a walk with Jesus each morning. While the humidity hugs my skin and the song of the birds fills my ears, I talk about my problems with Jesus.

On this day, I was preparing to write a message called “Hold on to Hope.” But the problem was that I felt totally unequipped and unqualified to teach anyone about hope. I had not been a stellar example of holding on to hope myself. I needed someone to teach ME how to do it!

As I poured out my fears and concerns to Jesus, I pleaded for Him to help me, to show up, and to supernaturally give me the words. I entreated Him not to abandon me now.

“Jesus,” I begged, “please don’t leave me standing at the altar.”

Altar

                Photo by Shardayyy Photography on Unsplash

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A message of hope to the “control freak” Mama

My sweet teenage daughter stood in my doorway at 10 pm. I was ready to rest, relax, and entertain my brain after a long day. Love story in hand, I was at peace. Then she dropped a bomb on me, “Mom, I just found out I had to be at the church tomorrow at 4 pm.”

WHAT?

I had already filled out my “To-do” list for the next day, and every time slot had something in it. Errands. Pay bills. Work in garden. Make dinner. Send emails. There was no entry that read, “Drive daughter 30 minutes across town at 4 pm.” My plans disrupted, I could feel all the muscles in my back begin to tense. There went relaxation.

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Have the storms of life left you dismayed?

I quietly rolled over in bed, trying not to wake up my husband. We were on vacation, and I was doing my darnedest to let him sleep until 7 am. So I did what I usually do when I awake early: think and pray. I prayed for friends who were struggling, friends who were sick, and for family members who needed help.

Then I began to pray for my fledgling speaking ministry. As I prayed, I felt a familiar knot in the pit of my stomach. All of my hopes and aspirations were rolled up in that pang of uncertainty about my future.

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What if you don’t have a Pinterest-perfect life?

As my body woke up from a night of slumber, so did the constant fear that rolled over and over in my stomach.  I had recently completed a three minute speaker promo video and I had shared it with my family and friends, including a lot of pastors and ministry leaders. I even shared it on Facebook.  I was unsure how people would receive it.  I felt vulnerable. Exposed.

I was terrified of being rejected.

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I like being an introverted overachiever with a touch of OCD

I was having such an amazing day until I got on Facebook.  I was enjoying a peaceful Friday morning working in my yard.  I did a heart check and realized that for the first time in a long time that my heart was healed, whole, and happy.  It felt great!  I had come through a tough week but I had pushed through and prevailed.

Earlier that morning I had posted on Facebook a 250 word “description” of myself that I had written for an upcoming conference.  And evidently someone took exception to how I had described myself.  There on Facebook, ready to burst my happy balloon, was an extensive comment about how I should not label myself and I should not this and I should not that and blah blah blah.

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Holy Spirit whispered, “Why have you not been on your knees?”

There was a desire that rose up in my heart today to do something that I haven’t done in a long time. It is something that is usually done in a quiet place. It is a position that is sometimes accompanied by tears. It is a posture that is equated with humility and surrender.

It is praying on my knees.

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