Tag Archives: Insecurity

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The real truth about my marriage

I have secrets. Lots of them. I have thoughts and ideas and behaviors that I don’t share with anyone. Not even my best friend or my husband. I keep them to myself because I am afraid if I tell people the truth about me, they might not like me.

Women are amazing secret keepers. We don’t tell anyone about our crumbling marriages. We stay silent about the fears that keep us awake at night. We are ashamed of our immense debt and poor financial decisions. We aren’t honest about our health and mental battles.

Even though I am super-transparent and vulnerable on this blog, there are still things that I’ve kept to myself because I have thought that if you knew these things about me, you wouldn’t like me.   And deep inside, I really want people to like me.  Even at 47 years old.  My fear of rejection keeps my mouth locked up tight.

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I could never be as good as her

I sat with a group of beautiful women in the historic Hilltop House Restaurant in Fayetteville, NC. I was a visitor at the “Fayetteville Women’s Connection,” an outreach of Stonecroft Ministries. For the last nine months, I have been preparing to become a speaker for Stonecroft Ministries. During this time, I have written and rewritten my testimony – my story of how I came to know Jesus – to share with Stonecroft groups in the future.

The time we had all been waiting for arrived. The speaker stepped up to the podium. I was excited to hear her speak and to learn more about what a Stonecroft meeting was like. I began the meeting sitting on the edge of my seat, eager to learn.

She began her talk by engaging the audience by asking them their favorite Disney movies. Pretty soon she had us saying, when cued, “Once upon a time…” She smiled and nodded as she drew us in with her story. She was a dynamic speaker who had her thirty minute presentation completely memorized.

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Insecurity Lurks Beneath My Trendy J. Crew Outfit

Panty hose – check.
Cocktail dress – check.
Statement necklace – check.
Cute heels – check.

It was the time of year for holiday Christmas parties and we were invited to one with my husband’s coworkers.  I was all set to look festive and fun in my new dress but on the inside I was a complete wreck.

Insecurity Lurks Beneath My Trendy J. Crew Outfit

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God humbled me, and it was quite embarrassing

Over a dozen years ago a praise and worship leader named Paul Wilbur came to Wilmington.  He is a talented musician who primarily plays a messianic worship style of music which is conducive to Jewish dancing.  Many dancers from churches in Wilmington came together to choreograph Jewish dances for these songs, such as “The Days of Elijah.”  My four year old daughter Hannah and I were among them.

humble

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I’m an insecure overachiever with a touch of OCD

Everyone who knows me well knows that I have a touch of OCD.  My earrings and Solo cups are all arranged by ROYGBIV.   There is not a crooked picture in my house….I’m sure of it, because I would be the first to notice and have to fix it.  My grass is largely weed-free because in my mind, grass and weeds should not co-exist.

If you have ever seen the TV show Monk about the obsessive-compulsive detective then you should know me well.  I am Adrian Monk.

insecure

 

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Can someone else do your job better than you?

I stood with my eyes open during praise and worship and watched everything going on around me.  I should have been focused on God and singing with joy, but my mind was distracted by the women around me.  They were hugging on each other, prophesying over each other, and down on the floor in tears together.  And I was standing there, alone, with really no desire to be doing any of those things at that moment.

Which is a problem since I am the Ladies Ministry Leader at my church.

vulnerability

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When Your “Love Tank” has a hole in it

It seems that the older I get the more I dress like my mother: bright colors, flashy jewelry, matching shoes.   She’s a fashionable older woman who shops at Steinmart and Chico’s…you know the type!  I haven’t yet started buying animal prints, but anything can happen!  Add some “big hair” and lip gloss and I can be quite the sight!  I know that we should not put so much stock in our outward appearance, but sometimes dressing up can help us to feel better.  Here is me with some lip gloss:

love tank

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I have a love/hate relationship with Women’s Conferences

Two weeks ago I attended the IF:Wilmington women’s conference in my hometown of Wilmington, NC.  There were around 800 women that attended with me.  It was a beautiful picture of the body of Christ because we were young, old, and middle-aged (me!) as well as black, white, Hispanic and Asian.  I was privileged to serve at the conference as a greeter so I was able to speak to many of the women who attended.

As they came in, I noticed things about their outward appearance. Short hair and long hair.  Boots and flats.  Long wavy hair and short pixie cuts.  Teens and grandmas.  Stylish and frumpy.
inner beauty

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Digging deep for a courageous heart

The stage lights are up and the stage sits empty, waiting for her to come up.  She is praying fervently in her seat that it will go well.  She looks to her husband and friend and whispers, “Pray for me.”  It’s almost time.  She studies her notes one last time and prays for God to give her the words to say.  And then it is time. The pastor of the church calls her up.  Her heart flutters as she hears his words:

“Lisa, come on up and make the announcements.”

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