I have trouble sleeping. The medication that I take to control my anxiety makes me feel “normal,” but the side effect is insomnia. Many nights I fall asleep after midnight and wake up around 5 am. I try to stay still and quiet so that my hubby can have his beauty rest. These sleepless nights leaves me with a lot of quiet time to think. And pray.
I met with my mentor this past week. We meet monthly over coffee and we talk about my family, my health, and ministry, among other things. I knew this month that I needed a lot of her wisdom. Do you know that she has all of her wisdom teeth? No wonder she is a wise woman.
When she asked about ministry, I just sighed. I have a blog, but I am tired of its name. I’m a writer, but I don’t feel like writing. I’ve been trying to spearhead a speaking ministry for three years, but no churches are calling with invitations. And I start seminary this month.
Mostly, I’m confused. When I envision my future, this is all I can see:
I sat in the CVS Pharmacy parking lot. Here I was, again. This time I was not picking up a medication for me for but one of my children. My stomach churned. I wanted to be at home, curled up under my electric blanket, safe from heavy cares and concerns. But my child was sick. Not with a cold, or pink eye, or an ear infection, but with a chronic disease. It was no longer in remission but it had reared its ugly head again.
When faced with the disturbing symptoms, I did not fall to my knees in prayer. I watched Netflix. Every time I tried to pray, I was unsuccessful. I could not think about it. Facing reality was too painful. Thinking of the disease wracking my child’s body broke my heart. Over and over and over. Every time I would think about it, I was crushed.
So I watched Netflix. And read romance novels. And went shopping. Because my fantasy world did not hurt as much as reality.
There was a desire that rose up in my heart today to do something that I haven’t done in a long time. It is something that is usually done in a quiet place. It is a position that is sometimes accompanied by tears. It is a posture that is equated with humility and surrender.
It is praying on my knees.
Many people make New Years resolutions at the start of a new year and I know many Christians who chose one word that will be their focus for that year. For me, “My One Word” for 2016 is “Believe.” The word comes from Romans 4, where Abraham believed God and he also grew in faith. I so want to grow in faith and pray faith-filled prayers! The verse that challenges my prayer life the most is Mark 11:24, “Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.”
